Karma

I have always thought that our lives are "guided". In other words, I feel that someone is looking over us, after us, steering us, guiding us perhaps. I felt this way in Mississauga. When things went awry there was always something that happened to lessen the blow, something that made things seem better.

Today, and recently, I have lost that "guided" feeling.

Heck, I have to admit I was apprehensive about this life-changing move to Cape Breton. As most know, I have until recently been employed in finance, budgets and accounting. I was paid to draft up budgets, real budgets, best-case scenario budgets, worst-case scenarion budgets and every one in between. I used that rationale when we were thinking about the change. What would happen if? What would be the worst that could happen? What would be the best?

I am a very conservative person; I am also a very right-wing Conservative person. I can't think things through simply with my heart, rather my head. Sure, I get gut-feelings, but more often than not I use logic rather than emotion.

As anyone who knew me well, and was (worked) close to me last year, they could tell you that I was not entirely sure about this move. My head was telling me one thing, my heart another.

Unfortunately, I let my heart rule my head and that was possibly the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life. I am now thinking it is because of this that those "guides" I mentioned earlier have now deserted me.

It seems that whenever things can't possibly get worse, they do. I can, but won't here (right now anyways), list everything that makes me feel this way, but you can be rest assured that I do know what I feel, and I am fully aware of what is happening.

I no longer feel like, nor indeed am, the confident, happy person that I was from 2001-2008. I am a shell of myself. I am an enigma to people here. I have lots of talent, lots of experience, but as I am not a Cape Bretoner, I am nothing. I am not part of the tribe, and tribal mentality here rules. As I am not a native, and I have a disability. Add the two together and I have no hope of ever succeeding here.

I used to moan and groan about Toronto. Those streets were dirty (pun intended) and mean.

But if anyone granted me one wish, I would ask for my life to be rewound one year. On August 12th 2008 I gave my notice to CHS telling them I was moving to fulfill a dream.

I want a mulligan.

The absolute WORST thing I have ever done.

Wayne